Fear or Connection
I woke up today at 5.20 a.m. knowing I had to get this blog written. It has been clogging up my mind since the beginning of the year (5 days ago) and as I am currently undergoing the Mel Robbins “Mindset/Reset” challenge there were no more excuses left, it had to be written and NOW!
In 2017 I walked away from my now ex-husband. I went to live half way up a mountain in the middle of the beautiful Spanish countryside, surrounded by thousands of almond trees in a house that he had bought which we both owned. The house was off-grid, which translates to no electricity and no mains water. It had solar panels, but not enough of them to run a water pump to heat the water, run a fridge or a washing machine, in fact it couldn’t even run a hairdryer without running out of juice before my hair was anywhere near done. It was able to run the lights and Internet in the daytime when the sun was out and for about 3 hours of light in the night. I told myself it was OK, it was just like camping and got on with it.
The views were breathtakingly awesome; huge vistas with hills and mountains, a million stars as there was no light pollution and almond trees everywhere. I should have been able to enjoy living there, it really was an incredible place, but instead I woke up every day in fear. Fear of hurting myself – I was nowhere near anyone that could help me. Fear of someone lying in wait for me on the rare occasion I went out at night, as there was no fencing or security of any kind. Fear of going mad, as I was on my own pretty much 24/7 apart from my beautiful dog Asha and my two cats Kooky and Dixie. Plus a million other fears that had no name but which I felt as extreme unease, a tightening in my chest and solar plexus and a constant feeling of impending doom.
After living there for a week I contacted a lady called Maya who ran a local yoga and healing centre, about having a healing session to help ease my mind (I knew my isolation was not good for me) and she told me to come on down the next afternoon. All we did was talk and at the end of the session she said, “why don’t you stay for a group that is going to run in about 15 minutes? You can meet some other people and it might be good for you”. I agreed without asking what the group was about, as I knew enough about saying “Yes” when the universe presents you with something, so I stayed.
There were 8 women from their early 40’s to their mid 70’s. A lady called Barbara, who was a psychic, ran it. It was called a “spiritual development group”. We were put through a meditation and told to connect to our guides and angels. At this point I wanted to run out of the room. I have always been open minded about energy (I am Reiki trained and a Colour Mirrors colour therapist) but I had a completely closed mind to the idea of “angels” and “guides”. At the end of the session Barbara went around the room asking what had happened for each person. Everyone was gushing with their stories of lights, colours, sounds, vibrations and messages, some had seen specific ‘guides” others had a favourite archangel they liked to work with. I thought they were all under some form of mass hypnosis and were talking absolute bulls**t. Eventually Barbara asked me what had happened for me in the session and I said in a very passive aggressive way “I didn’t see anything, I didn’t hear anything. The only thing I can say is that at some point I felt a tingling in my scalp”. I thanked Maya and went home thinking what an absolute waste of time that was. I definitely won’t be going back there amongst those loonies, but I did feel better for having been around and spoken to people.
That night I went to bed still feeling anxious and fearful. I awoke the next morning at 5 am feeling as if I had been plugged into the national grid. All my fear had literally vanished. I felt incredibly energised, like I could climb Mount Everest and still have energy to spare. I went for my first pre dawn walk with my animals and saw the incredible sunrise. I felt joy, connected, powerful, infinite and full of possibilities. My mind was racing with a thousand ideas for songs and a book that I had started to write several years ago. A thought did cross my mind that maybe I had actually gone mad, but if this was madness, bring it on, anything was better that feeling that dread, disconnection and fear, this felt wonderful by comparison.
The next few months were amazing. I hardly ate or slept, had boundless energy and started to write songs and finish my book. I attended yoga classes, continued with the group and made some new connections with other female expats. Eventually my sleeping and energy levels returned to “normal” but the fear did not return and what I think happened was that I went from fear to connection.
Whenever I am in connection to something greater than myself I cannot be in “fear” as the two are mutually exclusive. I suspect that in reaching out for help and saying yes to possibility, sitting in the energies in a room that has been used for a long time for meditation and healing, I opened myself to positive energy ‘prana’, God, angels or ‘chi” depending on your beliefs and it had a profound effect on me.
I would love to live there, in that amazing energy, permanently, as it was an incredible ride – I wrote a whole album of songs, which I later recorded and released, and finished my book, which I published in 2018, but I suspect the vibration was too high for me to handle long term. I was blessed to experience what true connection feels like and it is absolutely awesome. I really hope one day to experience it again.
What stayed with me is that fear is an illusion, a construct of my mind, a disconnect from flow. None of what I feared actually happened, I just projected it into a potential future that I definitely did not want. My experience of living in the house up the hill proved to me that my fear was not about my situation, but about my thoughts about my situation. After my experience I still lived in a house in the middle of nowhere, spent most of my time alone, had no electricity or hot running water but I felt joyful not fearful, I lived in the moment rather than a projected fearful future.
Doing the Mindset/Reset with Mel Robbins reminded me to not listen to my negative self talk, my projected fear and my thoughts about limitation but instead to get up and share with the world the real me. If it helps one person that is great, but it has already helped me to be my authentic self, speak my truth and not be held back by fear of judgement and negative self talk.
Jannice Jones xxx